Monday, March 23, 2009

Day 2 - The Myth of Rainbows and Kittens

Those of you who've already been here probably have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to be writing about today. Those of you waiting may not enjoy reading this, but you should, even though I'm not sure it will help all that much should you find yourself where we are right now. If you're family or friends who are cheering us on, we appreciate it more than you know and we need all the support we can get right now.

We're having a really hard day today. Annabelle's grieving. Really deeply grieving. I'm pretty sure she was recently removed from her foster home and the loss of that family, whoever they are, is hitting her hard. And there is nothing we can do to ease her hurt except meet her basic physical needs, babble to her in our very limited Mandarin and a language she doesn't understand, hold her close and pat her, and try to get her through this period.

The kicker to all of this is that we were prepared for it (we thought.) We read all the books, talked with a hugely supportive no sugarcoating type of BTDT crowd, and made a plan as to how we were going to help her should she be upset. I even hoped she would grieve as that it is a very good sign that the babies have learned to form attachments before and can learn to do it again. Pffft. We've walked, we've rocked, we've strollered, we've fed, we've changed, we've had skin to skin contact, we've sang, we've played Chinese lullabies, we've given oragel and Motrin and done every damn thing we can do. The one thing she wants most right now is the one thing we are unable to do anything about for her. It's absolutely breaking my heart to hear her scream for her mama for hours and to know that she is only reluctantly accepting my comforting because she is exhausted and I am all that is available. Intellectually, I knew it would be hard, but my heart had no idea how much pain her pain would cause.

We'll get through this, most likely in a day or two and the girl I know is in there will emerge. I know she's there because once every couple of hours we have had a smiling, laughing baby for about 10 minutes when she forgets to be sad. Then she remembers and the inconsolable crying starts again. But those few moments have been little pockets of joy and I know there are many many more of them in our futures.

I want to end this by saying that I don't think we're having a much rougher of a time than most new families and I don't think Annabelle's feelings right now are especially different than most babies in her situation. It just not a part of adoption that most people (in and out of the adoption community) want to know about. I guess my point is that no matter how well you plan and prepare, they may times that the emotional stuff is going to hit you like a ton of bricks and it's going to hurt more than you imagined. I just thought you should know.

21 comments:

  1. We got our Little Lassie at one year old. She was with her birth family up until the day we brought her home. I thought I was prepared for her grieving, but you just can't be. I'm glad you posted about this, its a chapter in our adoption stories that deserves to be heard and respected.

    Those 10 minutes of smiles are a wonderful window into what is to come. Hang in there, I know the pain is way more than you imagined, but I think the pay-off will also far exceed your expectations.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this. Yes, I've prepared mentally, but doubt it will do me any good when I'm actually face to face with the pain.

    I hope her grieving lessens and the smiles increase.

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  3. I know it's hard, and no preparation in the world is going to ease the pain your feel for her. It's good that she is going through this. Our Mei-Li did not grieve and attachment has been in baby steps. So please know there is a whole bunch of pandas out there supporting you, if you need advice.

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  4. My heart goes out to all three of you. Most especially, Annabelle. There is nothing harder for a parent than watching your child suffer through something. Hopefully, all of her pain is an indication that she was loved and well taken care of by her foster parents while she waited for you. It's sure sounds like it.

    You guys will certainly be in my thoughts today. Stay strong!

    Thank you for sharing your experience.

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  5. This is the part I dread most when our time comes - I tear up just thinking of it. I'm so glad Annabelle has informed parents who are doing everything right while she works through her greif now and in the future. Hugs to you all!

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  6. Don't forget to take care of yourselves during this trying time. If there is ANYTHING I can help you with. Let me know. Good job mom and dad!! Hang in there. It all comes with time.

    Hugs
    Sue

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  7. Aww bless your heart. I am very thrilled that you have your very beautiful baby girl! We all know how hard it is on mommy and daddy and you should not under estimate the impact on you mentally and physically. Your baby will be fine, she really will and so will you. We have been down this road three times and each time it has been different, but each time we have brought home wonderful children that go through differnt stages of grieving and joy. It is not a temporary thing and this is what people need to remember and prepare for. It will be all through their lives, at very unusual times. But together with understanding, compassion and love you will be the most wonderful family ever created. Your baby girl is a true blessing to you and all who know you, as you are to your daughter. It is one thing to be prepared and armed with all the knowledge and possibile outcomes, but your heart is not as educated as your brain. It is hard and it hurts, but it does get better and it gets better in big chunks! Again, I am so happy for all of you! Tracy house-of-five.blogspot.com

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  8. Yes, that part is just so painful. I agree, more people should talk about it. You are right, no matter how prepared you are, there is nothing like living it to make you feel so sad, powerless and inept. It will get better, as you say, and this part of the process is a very important part of the start of wonderful things. It is her process of learning to trust you guys, that will be the seed that blossoms. Take care.

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  9. Oh, these days are so hard for you and for her. Hang in there, keep doing what you are doing, and love her, and in the end you will both make adjustments.
    Blessings, Starla, Mama to a Ling girl who is the Light of my Life!

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  10. Our situation was so different, as our boys had been removed from their 2nd orphanage and returned to their initial orphanage 3 weeks before we met them. In other words, we didn't experience the bulk of their grieving + they had each other to cling to, the most familiar of comforts. In other words, my friend, I just can't imagine what you are going through right now. It's bittersweet - knowing that she has attached previously but not being able to do really do anything. I have complete faith that in a day or two, those pockets of joy are going to turn into baskets....

    Hang in there, sweetie. I'm very proud of you and your candor. xo

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  11. LOTS of HUGS to the two of you. You have been on my mind a lot since you all left. I have been worried about Annebelle's grief and how you two are handeling it. How I feel your pain during her adjustment. Take care and give her lots of hugs and kisses.

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  12. The pain you feel when your children are hurting whether it be emotional of physical is the biggest hurt you will ever feel. Especially when you feel powerless to solve the problem. Just wait until you feel yourself wanting to "punch out" another six year old who won't play with Annabelle in the sandbox! But I know that you are both incredibly strong people capable of the depth of love needed for this. Have faith in yourself and be strong. God gave you this little girl for a reason, you were meant to be her parents and this incredibly difficult time will pass. Meanwhile, know that everyone here is giving you big hugs and thinking about you all the time. Love you guys!

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  13. My granddaughter Lauren is home 8 wks now and she went through heavy grieving also.She was 22 months when they received her.. My daughter said there is nothing worse then seeing your daughter curled up in a ball under a desk and screaming and not letting you touch her. Within 3 days she was starting to come around. It took everything in Mom and Baba to help each other through this time, but the sun is now shining brightly on a beautiful little girl who has a smile that lights up the room. Nothing so wonderful comes easy and know that you will get through this and so will your daughter. Not that everything is perfect, but it never is, but the happy moments are more then the sad ones now. My daughter also posted about how hard it was as she also felt no matter how educated you are you cannot be prepared for how helpless you feel and need to know this could happen to you, but with love you will get through it. Prayers and Hugs sent to your family. Waiting for the posts that show your girls true self coming through... Linda

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  14. Hi - You don't me. I found your blog on the internet. I am a waiting China mom...and I just wanted to remind you...you have a whole community of people - even beyond your family and friends - who are cheering for you. Your daughter is beautiful and soon she will you guys into her heart - she just needs a few days to make some room! Hang in there...

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  15. Thinking of you guys. I can only imagine how hard this time is - just like you in "the before". Thanks for your honesty and know there are a lot of us hoping for peace and comfort to come soon.

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  16. Ohhhhh, yeah. Yep. I agree, there just isn't anything that can really, really prepare you for this part of it - the grieving and the feeling that you can't make it better for her. I remember the unbelievable dismay I felt when I realized I was the catalyst for a lot of ZZ's grieving.

    I really believe that the best thing you can do for her is just to be there beside her, talk to her even though she doesn't understand, and hold her as much as she'll let you. Stick with as much routine as you possibly can, which I know is incredibly difficult these next two weeks. It may not seem like you are helping at all, but your presence will begin to steady her, and the attachment will build from there. Those 10 minutes of smiles really will get longer soon.

    I wish I could help more. I'm holding you all in my thoughts, and wishing you lots of strength and peace. Take care of yourselves, and allow yourself the time to cry, or to run outside the hotel and scream while counting to 10. Hang in there.

    xoxo

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  17. Take turns running outside and screaming if you have to. :)

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  18. I know it is so hard to watch her grieving, but it is better for her to grieve for her loss now than to not grieve at all. Just keep on giving her all the love and understanding in the world and she will emerge.
    Hang in there!!!!!

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  19. Oh, I so remember...my second adoption was so hard. My daughter really grieved and wanted nothing to do with me. It takes time and a lot of patience and love. Hang in there!

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  20. Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

    This must have been such a hard time for all three of you. Such a heartwrenching post.

    But it is good to know, if hard to hear.

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